Women Magazines

When I mean women magazines, I mean the elder women magazines such as Maternity or Woman's Day. These are magazines you would find left out in places where older women can read, speculate, and say, "That is absolutely true!" or "This is amazing!" For example, I have found them in the orthodontist office, the bathroom, and waiting rooms--not that entertaining. In fact, we have some at home ourselves--mom orders them on a low price deal (because that's what every woman wants!), so now these elderly women magazines are outnumbering the educating and actually useful National Geographic magazines.
To personalize this up a bit, I have sat countless times (orthodontist office, hospital, airplane, kitchen table...) and listened to how mom would show me an article from these old magazines that are supposed to teach me a lesson, but they just annoy me even more, especially how there is like an article in every women's magazine issue that is released about how women with cholesterol problems have more rights to eat eggs than black people sitting in the front of the bus (I'm not racist; black people are awesome).
Here are the five basic things you can find in a typical woman's magazine:
1. Saving money because women love money.
2. Parenting because each woman is or has been pregnant and she obviously needs help from a woman's magazine to know how to raise a kid.
3. Healthy Foods because each woman needs to know how to cook these odd, but healthy dishes in order to live longer--and every woman wants to live longer.
4. Fitness because each woman is fat and needs to know how to get a slim belly for the summer.
5. Looking younger because each woman who is reading the magazine is wrinkly.

So what I have done is pulled out a stack of magazines from a pile in our house, tossed aside the ones that initially belonged to my older sister, and took a picture of the each magazine I have pulled out: magazines of Good Housekeeping (because women don't know how to be good housekeepers without this magazine) and Woman's Day (because each woman has a huge fuckload of free time to be meditating, making 8-hour dishes, and convincing her children to make a chessboard and its chess pieces out of green and white construction paper as she smiles in the background thinking, "I am a woman of the Woman's Day magazine!"). Ignore the false camera dates on the pictures by the way. These were actually taken today (July 10, 2008).

Random magazine #1 - Good Housekeeping: Good eats edition.



In blue, it says, "Never Pay Full Price," which is a huge topic that made the front cover. Women will want to read it since all women are bargain hunters. Another topic is "Flat Belly," in which there are magical foods (but of course in Good Housekeeping, no foods are magical, it just helps!) that help women get rid of those tires that have been working too hard! Then Good Housekeeping have posted up Julia Robert's get-healthy secrets because in the women's world, only celebrities are healthy, women are trying to be healthy, and the children are little fatasses that need to get their butts off homework and video games and must play construction paper chess with each other. Hey, look! Everything is under $50!--an ad at the bottom of the magazine. Obviously, women love cheap stuff, dumb teens love expensive Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister, and normal kids like me like playing video games and playing football with Dutch hotties in the Netherlands.

Random magazine #2 - Good Housekeeping: Country shit edition.



I forgot to mention how women's magazine and diet websites love to tell you how you can eat all you want (brownies, cakes, pies, etc.) and still lose weight (in parentheses: it's not what you eat)! Also, every woman who spends time reading women's magazines would clearly have a messy house, so this Good Housekeeping magazine tells you how to cover it up in six ways!
1. Throw everything in the closet.
2. Eat all the food laying around in your house because remember with weight... it's not what you eat!
3. Push everything up against the wall if it doesn't fit in your closet.
&nbps; 4. Sweep the floors. If you're in a rush, sweep everything under the closet or children's doors!
5. Plants make the house more homely. This doesn't clean up the house, but who cares! It's a good housekeeping magazine, so it counts!
6. Hang things up on the wall because it take up less floor space and is considered as art!
Alright, well, in this magazine, you have the eating healthy stuff (which, I can tell, manipulated my mom when we were playing hangman in a bus ride in Austria because her phrase was "eat healthy").... Then you can save $1,000 by outsmarting your credit cards. See that country guy on the cover that looks like Orlando Bloom? I'm not exactly sure, but I think that's the guy who gave up his country and rock career to play kids music. Kind of like Jack Johnson, but Jack Johnson's music was just placed in kids stuff. Johnson didn't exactly see that coming. Anyways, both their music sucks and moving on. Hey! This magazine also has stay-together secrets of the hottest country couples! I think their secret is that they can't find anyone else since they pretty much enjoy the same country shit and only men who grew up with country music, girly men, and girls enjoy country music.

Random magazine #3 - Good Housekeeping: Faith Hill edition.



Faith Hill is just another one of those celebrities who are absolutely boring and make boring music that women think is absolutely great (other boring women celebrities are Jodie Foster and Sandra Bullock). I think mom read me Faith Hill's "funny" life story one time from this magazine and it was boring that I forgot what had happened. She had even done that to me with Oprah Winfrey ("She had such a sad life! Every time she would read, her mother would beat her up!" etc. well, this is the new generation now and black people are cooler than ever). Okay, they also have Martha Stewart stuff because women love Martha Stewart, dumb teens like shitty band posters (AFI, Fall Out Boy, Plain White T's, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, U2, etc.) covering their walls, and normal kids like me enjoy great movie posters (like the Pianist) up our walls, IKEA furniture, and stuffed-animals. Now we have instant cookies made from dough that save you time and women need more time to be able to do things even though they have been given tips like clean up your entire house in 5 minutes. Perfect party dresses under $100 aren't as ridiculous as girls who buy prom dresses for thousands of dollars, but they aren't probably that good looking. These perfect party dresses are either really ugly and cheap and made for the biggies or for really thin moms that make the women readers think, "If only I was as skinny as that!" then they start making lose-weight speeches to their family, have their children play construction paper chess, and then cook 8-hour healthy meals, forgetting about that cheap $30 dress that would look gorgeous on them if only they didn't have the extra baggage. Wow! Moms would love to pay $4 - $48 on gifts because women love their family too much to spend too much money on them even if they got the entire bank to support their women magazine order. The last thing I'll talk about for this magazine is the Virginia Tech story. Remember the crazy Asian guy who shot people? Well, what a surprise! It made the front cover of their magazine! But it's like the smallest subject on there because dead people aren't as serious as 12 cookies. Anyways, I actually read this part from the magazine because I wondered what Good Housekeeping had to say about something that wasn't relevant to construction paper chess, country music, clean houses, and Martha Stewart. Yeah, it was basically about how scary the shooting was and how families are closer than ever to their son(s)/ daughter(s) afterwards.

Random magazine #4 - Woman's Day: Money and food edition.



This magazine pretty much shows how the Woman's Day company thinks how women feel: we have to save money and we have to eat healthier! First of all, at the top, we have "Cheap Eats!" where women can make dinner for less expense. Then we have 184 money-saving ideas! Wow! That's more collaboration done than the sex ideas young women magazines have accomplished! Congratulations, Woman's Day! (Note how "184" is almost as big as a lowercased letter on the magazine title.) In practically every Woman's Day magazine, they have (whether on the cover or not) a section where you can save more on groceries. This one provides 23 ways. Also, every woman is in debt of something because she's constantly borrowing money and buying useless shit like statues, porcelain, Martha-Stewart-what-the-fuck-does-this-do inventions, and construction paper for her kids to make chess boards. Thus, Woman's Day has incorporated a guide into their magazine to help women get out of debt, leaving women to tell their friends, "Have you read the latest issue of the Woman's Day magazine? It has a guide on how to get out of debt!"
"Really? Oh my God!"
Then this magazine shows how you can decorate the place with only a dollar. I actually read this part and they had things like you cut out your own design on some sort of material and you stick it on your bathroom windows so no one can see through the bathroom windows from outside, but then at the same time, it's absolutely fashionable, you can have your privacy, and people will admire what a disaster you have just done. Every woman is either fighting fatigue, has insomnia, wakes up in the morning with no energy, or, of course, stressed out! I mean, come on, women have to cook, clean, and read magazines! So hard! Then she has to pick up her kids from school or from their bus stop! Then she has to get up, put her magazine down, and go greet her exhausted and sweaty husband. So Woman's Day will help out by listing certain foods that aren't magical because food isn't magical, but would help, girl! That's why readers of Woman's Day eat exactly half cup of almonds, drink 1 or 2 tablespoons of flaxseed oil, and eat brown rice every day. Don't forget! Your weight is not what you eat! So you can walk off fat anytime. Normally, these women's magazine readers will go out in the cool air and walk like they are losing weight like crazy: clickie (when I found this picture, it said: Woman's Challenge: 2.5 miles! Bullshit. I can run that entire thing without stopping).

Random magazine #5 - Woman's Day: I forgot to get my family a present edition.



There are pretty much the same subjects on here. Just wanted to point out how Woman's Day knows how their readers are always shopping at the last minute! So what should these women buy their loved ones? Woman's Day suggests scented candles, cards, stationary, and statues. In other words, the shittiest, most useless gifts (unless someone assembled a nasty smelling bomb in the toilet, then the scented candles are useful if you aren't Asian because Asians aren't allowed to light candles in the house for over three minutes because something will definitely catch on fire like the flammable toilet).

Random magazine #6 - Woman's Day: Shitty, unorganized edition.



Woman's Day finally decides on the right diet for you: eat all you want (brownies, cake, lard, etc.) and still lose weight! They'll tell you to eat eggs because it provides lots of proteins for leaner muscle (but in reality, that's only if you exercise, so you better stay in Woman's Day suggested fitness exercises) and half cups of almonds. Also on the cover is the big "30 MINUTES THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE," and they're going to tell you to play construction paper chess with your kids who have probably grown up over the years by now, but you're still reading Woman's Day. They're also going to tell you to speculate life, fill you head with shitty real women stories and how they began to realize stuff in life, grew emotional, and ate magical food except that food can not be magical. Vitamins that the readers of Woman's Day really need are going to be beta carotene, Vitamin A, and Vitamin E* because they make up whatever crap they want to assure women that they need to do all this shit that wastes time (like making construction paper chess boards with their kids) in order to live a fulfilling life. Now women can look 10 years younger from the advice of Woman's Day. Of course, they assume that all the women that read their magazine must be 30 years old or more. Otherwise, if you were a 20 year old reading this issue, you would look like a 10 year old.
* - According to research, beta carotene, Vitamin A, and Vitamin E increases the risks of death... except all Woman's Day readers disagree.

Random magazine #7 - Woman's Day: Wasting money and health edition.



Top 14 Money Wasters:
1. Your husband.
2. Your oldest daughter.
3. Your oldest son.
4. Your baby.
5. Your best girlfriend. (Why don't you introduce her to Woman's Day?)
6. Your mother. (Has she heard of Woman's Day yet?)
7. Your sister. (Tell her how Woman's Day has changed your wife.)
8. Creationists.
9. Your niece. (Maybe she could use a little help from Woman's Day.)
10. George Bush.
11. Your boss (if you have a job).
12. Your kids' stupid classmates that buy expensive stuff when your kid has to buy cheap stuff to live.
13. Celebrities.
14. Your kids' schools.
PREVENT CANCER. Mom just had to show me that. You can't just save money by going green. Woman's Day, you're stupid.
20 Clever Things to Do in 20 Minutes
1. Read Woman's Day.
2. Take a walk.
3. Talk to your kids.
4. Play construction paper chess with your kids.
5. Read a good book.
6. Meditate.
7. Speculate life.
8. Make yourself a nice, quick treat.
9. Calculate how much money you have saved in the last grocery shopping by following Woman's Day tips.
10. Take a bath.
11. Clean the house.
12. Beat your kids.
13. Write poetry.
14. Start a diary.
15. Sit outside.
16. Listen to country music.
17. Plant a tree.
18. Call a friend.
19. Eat broccoli and admire its taste.
20. Put on sunblock.
That's what I expect the nerdy magazine would say.

We also have similar subjects in the following magazines. Lots of saving money or winning money stuff.

Random magazine #8 - Woman's Day: More repetitive bullshit edition.



Random magazine #9 - Woman's Day: Smashing subjects! edition.