SCHWEINI

If you do not know who Bastian Schweinsteiger is, well, he is the the most fearless and extreme person in the universe and he plays on the German football team (soccer in America). No human being alive can understand how far his extremity goes: it has no limits. In fact, Schweinsteiger is the one and only person who made Chuck Norris cry. Most Americans refuse to believe that there could be anyone more extreme than Chuck Norris, especially when I tell them that Schweinsteiger is a monster on steroids compared to the little carpenter ant--Chuck Norris. For quite some time, the human population have tried to define his extremity in public, but the only ways are taglines and photos. For example, they'd post pictures of him in which he is half naked, showing his chiseled abs (which, by the way, are carved by no fear) or pictures in which he has an extreme expression (like the photo on the top right). One tagline they have made especially for Schweinsteiger is: "Impossible is nothing." That is absolutely true only for Schweini himself. Here's my own tagline I made: "Schweinsteiger: Humanity dwells at its most fearless."

So if you haven't heard of such an extreme person, then you might wonder, "How come I have never heard of this guy?" Well, you have probably been brainwashed from some stupid, stout, American kid who constantly makes these Chuck Norris jokes that everyone thinks are so fucking hilarious, but it's not. So I'm introducing you the man that can look Chuck Norris in the eye and make Chuck Norris die in that instant. Chuck Norris does these normal action movies and commercials..., but Schweinsteiger does commercials in the most secured prisons in the world. Unfortunately, his Schweini extreme glare can break those cameras, so these commercials aren't aired on television. Not to mention that he has broken out of all these prisons the extreme way (taking down every guard that gets in his way) and never got caught--even when he's on the run outside prison. He doesn't even have to run.
Here is a list of a few reasons why he is extreme and fearless:

1. Can defeat Chuck Norris in any way.
2. Is German.
3. Pours beer on people.
4. Advertises beef.
5. Plays football professionally.
6. Looks fearless.
7. Sculpted by no fear.
8. "Impossible is nothing."
9. Does prison commercials.
10. Doesn't have to take steroids to act like he has taken steroids.
11. Always escapes top-security prisons.
12. Is number 7--the lucky, fearless number.
13. The only other person in the world who can do the same action moves as James McAvoy in Wanted, which is more extreme than Chuck Norris.
14. Has a fearlessly long surname.
15. Sure, Chuck Norris can take down a tree with his penis and Barry Pepper can take down an entire forest, but Schweinsteiger can take down the entire Sequoia forest.
16. Has natural fearlessly beyond blond hair--as advertised in an issue of the Details magazine.
17. Invented fire.
18. Can split a molecule with his eyes.
19. Already qualifies as an X-Man with his supernatural ability of being fearless and extreme.
20. Fire courses through his veins.
21. He can drink acid as if it was water.
22. Can ski without any ski equipment. He just uses it to look normal.
23. Has played in Bundesliga, the highest level of Germany's football league system.
24. Can speak every language there is in the world, but he just chooses to speak German for his country.
25. Made all three goals against Portugal in the FIFA World Cup 2006 (results: 3 - 1).
26. Never gets too hot.
27. Never gets too cold.
28. Appeared on the cover of the Kleine Zeitung newspapers when Germany won against Portugal (released June 20, 2008).
29. Appeared on the cover of the Österreich newspapers for kissing his girlfriend in public.
30. Can eat wood.
31. If Hans Gruber had hired him, he could've taken down Officer McClane, but no one tells Schweinsteiger what to do.
32. Claimed as Man of the Match in the FIFA World Cup 2006 with Germany against Portugal.
33. Claimed as Man of the Match in the UEFA Euro 2008 with Germany against Portugal.
34. Could win Mr. Universe without building anymore muscle.
35. Is a stuntman.
36. Takes the most extreme showers in the world. He takes showers with the hottest water and complains that it's too cold.
37. Can spit fire.
38. Can spit acid.

Hopefully you got the idea.